Dear Diary (R)

July 29

It started four days ago, I noticed the numbness, not a physical numbness but a mental numbness. There was no feeling in my heart. I feel like invasion of the body snatchers. I have continued to respond instinctively but I do not “feel” anything. There is an empty space in my chest, not heavy, not light just empty.

Then this morning I felt the ground the ground tilt up and my psyche began a slide down a steep slope. I recognize the feeling. It used to happen so often. Sometimes like a light switch in the middle of the day, even several times a day. I have never found a correlation between the drop and any external trigger event. The trough comes upon me like a rogue wave.

When this low hits I get anxious, paranoid, cruel – like a cornered, wounded animal. The best strategy is to just go to bed and hope it passes in the night. I know this shouldn’t happen with the chemical cocktail I consume. I am feeling very paranoid right now … I am over analyzing every little thing, I’m getting twitchy. I’m going to bed now to escape.

Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow…