There was just not enough time to make up for the years of not knowing her. Living thousands of miles away, distracted raising a family, earning a living, ignoring the fact that I had family elsewhere, that I should be making an effort to stay in contact with them. However, I chose not to … out of sight, out of mind … there would always be time someday. That is until a deadline is set.

My first reaction was to spend time with her, have the conversations we should have had during all those years we were apart, share all the life events I should have been sharing. I felt desperate to be with her telling her all the stories about my life. I wanted her to know how many times I had thought of her during all those years. I tried by traveling to see her on several occasions. In the end, sitting next to her on the couch, all I could do was rub her back where the pain was located, in silence.

What I wanted to tell her was a confession, of how I had ignored my family, of what a negligent brother I had been, I wanted forgiveness, I wanted her to tell me it was all right. Somehow, I wanted my guilt to evaporate. What I thought was not about her, not to comfort her, not to explain why she had this disease. I wanted to be free of my regrets but I could not speak of my feelings. I was painfully aware of how it would not matter to her. She was facing her end and had her own thoughts to reconcile.

Now, in solitude, I confess to a void, there is no absolution. Carry on, try to do better, that is my only hope for salvation.

Hexadecimal is a little more interesting – 3FF. If I were constructing a password, of course the 3 would represent an E and making the substitution I have EFF. I’ve been following EFF for a long time (in computer time). EFF is the Electronic Frontier Foundation that defends our rights in the digital world. You really ought to spend time at their web site http://www.eff.org. You’ll get so much more out of it than waiting to watch the digits line up.

Why do I feel compelled to rain on everyone’s parade? It’s probably because I hate to see so much significance attached to something created by man! If this event were a cosmic alignment of 11 planets now that would be something! You do realize that if the Pope hadn’t created the new calendar on February 24, 1582 we’d have another 12 days or so before the numbers lined up. That’s right – switching to the new calendar required us to toss out 11 days when it was adopted by Britain in 1752. We skipped from 10/11 to 10/22 overnight! What fun that would have been had we been running on computers! Would have made Y2K look like small potatoes!

We have so many different calendars running and this event is only remarkable in one of them. When do all the other people in the world have their fun?

You might also get a hint that I don’t put much stock in the Mayan calendar ending on a certain date. However, I AM interested in the cosmic event with which it coincides even though the “event” is spread over many years and doesn’t occur on just one day.

So balderdash I say – the clock just turned to 11:11 on my computer. The only thing significant is that I am through with this post … bet you’re happy with that!

My sadness eventually gives way to reflection on death. Why is it that I think about her dying from pancreatic cancer yet people all around me are dying from living? Isn’t all of life just time spent waiting to die? Before she was diagnosed with cancer she was dying just the same. I didn’t feel any sadness about her condition. I did not suffer guilt thinking about the time we should have spent together over the years. I didn’t call her, text her, remember her birthday … she is my sister after all. She knows I love her … right?

So what is it about a medical death sentence that shuffles priorities, brings emotion to the front of the line and puts someone in your mind? Why should it make any difference … aren’t we all going to die?

Reflect on the fact that I have a terminal condition … it’s called living. So do you, so do your kids, your nieces and nephews, grandkids, parents, friends, the person staring at you reading this from across the room, the jerk that cut you off this morning on the highway.

Why should I have a heightened sense of urgency to show my sister I love her? Shouldn’t I have felt this way all along?

How hard is this going to be? Can I learn a lesson from my reflections? Can I look at everyone I know with the “terminal condition” glasses? Or will I continue to take everyone for granted until it’s too late?

+Mike

Suzy, Jim, Jimi Sue, Kevin and Tecky (5/2011)

The following text messages are verbatim; the first is what I received:

March 31

“I have a 4.4 x 4.3 cm tumor on my pancreas and lesions in my liver. Don’t know malignant or benign. Next step to see oncologist asap. Dr. arranging. Love, js   - 6:02 PM, Mar 31”

“That’s a little unsettling! Shit! – 6:24 PM, Mar 31”

“That’s what I thought too! I’d’ve laid money that it was due to the bypass. Love, js – 6:26 PM, Mar 31”

“I know you’ll let me know as soon as you do … I’ll be praying for a good outcome! – 6:34 PM, Mar 31”

“I love you. – 6:35 PM, Mar 31”

“Yes Honey, I’ll let you know. I love you too. JS”

April 1

“Appt […] Mon 7:30 a.m. – 12:22 PM, Apr 1”

“at least you don’t have to wait long … how did the dr spot the tumor and lesions? – 12:24 PM, Apr 1”

“CT scan – 12:28 PM, Apr 1”

“Did they do whole body or just torso? – 12:29 PM, Apr 1”

“Torso – 12:30 PM, Apr 1”

“What kind of cat did they use? – 12:31 PM, Apr 1”

“Sort of a grayish one. Never have seen a cat with such a huge asshole before – 12:38 PM, Apr 1”

“Hehehe – 12:39 PM, Apr 1”

“Have you told anybody else? Like mother? – 12:50 PM, Apr 1”

“Yes. That was fun, believe me. – 3:00 PM, Apr 1”

“I’m debating whether I should go ahead and call her before she calls me…guess I’ll do it. – 3:04 PM, Apr 1”

“Go ahead. Bite the bullet. I hope it isn’t too bad. When the emotion began building I flat out told her I didn’t need that. Love, js – 4:01 PM, Apr 1”

April 4

“Because it’s gone to the liver it’s not operable. Chemo is the only treatment. 12 mos average survival rate. Love, js – 1:37 PM, Apr 4”

“I’m so sorry … I love you more than I can express… – 1:41 PM, Apr 4”

“I love you too honey. I’ve had a wonderful life. – 1:43 PM, Apr 4”

Afterword

Pancreatic Cancer, I had heard it mentioned on Access Hollywood when Patrick Swayze wasted away in front of us. Never gave it much thought until now. It’s a sneaky, nasty killer. It’s going to take my sister – will she make it to her planned trip to Maryland in two weeks? Her birthday in September? Thanksgiving? Christmas? Will she and her husband get to go on the African safari he just won?

Nobody talks about PC because less than 6% survive past 5 years so it’s not a disease with hope. By the time you feel the symptoms you’re like my sister – waiting to die. It is the #4 cancer killer.

Did you know PC has a ribbon? It’s purple.

I’m searching for some existing organization to get with – if I don’t find one, I’ll start one. Now I know how people become fanatical. Believe me I’m on fire!

Hair

Nails

Lingerie

Amber

Eyes

Pink

Skin

Exposed

Smooth

Flawless

Hairless

Rose

Lips

White

Teeth

Pink

Tongues

Touch

Crimson

Rising

Passion

Primal

Purple

Eruption

Blank

Lavender

Emerge

Conscious

Aqua

Water

Waves

Calm

Peace

Tangerine

Warmth

Holding

Touching

Hearts

Beating

Black

Slumber

Yellow

Dream

Did it happen?